Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't care about me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.



P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Your EX-Wife







Dear Ex-Wife


Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from
me.

So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.



Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
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BEATITUDE FOR EDUCATORS

Blessed are you who are called to educate

For you walk in the footsteps of the Master.

Blessed are you who sow peace and harmony

In the staffroom,

Yours will be the joy of the Lord.

Blessed are you who plant seeds of hope

In youthful hearts,

For you inherit the dawn.

Blessed are you who are sensitive

To the cries of youth today,

For they yearn for the coming of My kingdom.

Blessed are you when you share

Your faith with others,

For your name is written in My Heart.

Blessed are you who anguish now

Because your students are difficult,

For one day they will thank you for your loving concern.

Blessed are you when efficiency

Is moderated by compassion and empathy,

For the deeper secret of education is yours.

Blessed are you when you reach out to me

In your students,

For you will surely find me and rejoice.

Blessed are you who lead young people

In paths of justice and peace,

For you will shine like stars for all eternity.